Reading

Reading Ian Fleming 007 books ... Started with You Only Live Twice and now Diamonds Are Forever. Have to say books are so much better than movies. I love 007 movies. Let me say again I love 007 movies. Watch them over and over. You only live twice was only "loosely" based on book. Which kind of disappointed me but probably made me enjoy the book better. 

Did you know Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?  I didn't.  I may have to read it next. Love that movie too. 

By the way ... By reading I mean listening  love my audio book app!  Overdrive  free rentals through local library   Technology rocks!

Meanwhile I am still reaching for my phone every afternoon to call my mom and still feel a very keen emptiness on Monday nights. Miss her so much. 

Til later ......

Airway surgery.

AIRWAY SURGERY

 

 

I had one more of these horrid surgeries on January 8.  This time in office, with only some numbing agent spray into my nose, vocal chords and airway.  All of which wore off before this experience was over.  

 

They lasered cuts into my airway, a procedure which is very hot, temp hot, not cool hot.

 

They start with spraying a numbing agent into my nose, then they insert this hose into my nose and work down toward my vocal chords and then they start inserting more numbing agent into me via the hose, all while I am saying "eeeeeeeeeeeeee" over and over - it helps to numb the chords especially if you can make the chords vibrate like gargling kinda …  then once my chords are numb, the surgeon came in, pushed the hose on down past the chords into my airway, found the trouble spot and had his assistant – a “fellow” – medical term -  to insert the laser down through the hose to the trouble spot and then proceeded to burn strips into my trachea.  I am watching all of this on video as there is a big flat screen TV directly across from my patient seat and one above my head for the surgeon.

 

Gary is with me on this appointment – thank goodness.   About halfway through all of this procedure, I start having anxiety, cough, sweating – well, the sweating actually started as soon as the numbing agent was given to me, because I know what is coming next.  But now I can feel the heat of the laser in my neck, my anxiety is making me feel like I can’t breath, and Dr. C is having to stop and assure me I can breath, just to calm down its alright.  I ask for Gary to come by me and he stands there and holds my hand through the remaining part of this procedure  - can I say right now that I love that man!  I manage to choke out at this point, maybe I should have been given a little something to help me to be calm.  Duh!  He apologizes because he thought I was, but now he is too far in and just needs a little more time, so he give me more numbing agent, and back in he goes, finally, after he starts his second cut, I let him know I can feel the heat, and I can, it is very uncomfortable, but not unbearable yet, so back in he goes and within minutes the pain from the heat is too much and I have to ask him to stop.  He wanted to get 3 cuts done, but only gets two.  Thinking now, yay, its over, he says just a few steroid shots and we will be done.  Those are the worst, because I can feel every single injection he gives me and there are several  - I want to break down and cry so bad.  

 

I think I wore the doctor out, the room is so hot that they had to open the doors to let some air circulate, that is from the laser – it get very hot!  I had on a sweater dress, leggings, knee boots – it was cold outside …  I sweated through all of it and had no make up on by the end of this torture … But thank goodness it is over.  Took 2 hours.

 

And, even though it was horrible, I would do it again, if it kept me out of the hospital.

 

And, I can breath a whole lot better now.

 

Maybe I’m not such of weanie after all.

 

 

 But next time I get Valium.

Is it Christmas yet?

Is it Christmas yet?  Please let me know, because I am pretty sure I missed Thanksgiving and I really don't want to miss Christmas.   I want to enjoy getting down my Christmas ornaments and putting up the tree, remembering with fondness where and when I either purchased or received or made each special ornament as I hang it on the tree, or the other decorations which have been wrapped so carefully in tissue paper and bubble wrap for the past twelve month.  I want to enjoy the twinkle of lights, the beautiful Christmas music, see the "happy" shoppers out happily selecting each purchase with care.  I want to enjoy the church services, that are so special at this time of the year as they follow the story of the birth of our savior.  I want to enjoy a Christmas play and maybe a cantata or some other special Christmas programs.  So, please don't let me miss it, okay?
 
That is how I feel today.  Its January 3, my Christmas tree is still up, all the decorations are still sitting around my home, but somehow I feel like I've missed the whole season.   I know I have had Christmas celebrations with friends and family, I received beautiful thoughtful presents from friends and family.  I listened to Christmas music.    But yet, it still seems like I missed the entire holiday.

I haven't been to church in a really long time.

I lost my mom over a month ago, and I feel like I have been semi sleep walking through life since then.

I read devotion today.   ... Don't give God your leftovers .... give God your first fruits  of attention ... God needs to be your priority in everything you do  ... from getting dressed to setting your schedule ... intermingle your time with God, to such a degree that you can pray without ceasing ...even ordinary events will become sacred because He will be involved in them.   As I read this devotion, memories of my mother were brought to my mind ....  hearing her pray during the night when we were in bed going to sleep ...  hearing her praying as she lay in the hospital after she broke her hip ... waking up praying, in pain praying, in praise praying, in the nursing home when she was in such misery  ... praying.  She called me one time because she couldn't find something, I didn't hear the call, so she left a voice mail and she thought she had hung up, but she hadn't, and she started praying, as she was looking for the lost item, that God would lead her to it,  ...  I don't mean to put my mom up on a pedestal, but my mother was awesome.  She loved with God's love, she prayed without ceasing and she was a wonderful mother.  I want to be like her.

I lost her on November 17, 2014 at 4:40 AM.    I sat in the hospital room with her and held onto her as she breathed he last breaths, I didn't want to lose her, but I knew she was ready to go home with our Lord, I wasn't praying for God to save her, I was praying for God to be merciful and take her home.  She had 3 major brain bleeds, we were told she most likely would not survive a surgery and even if she did, she would be on life support and never get off of it.  We couldn't ask that she go through that.  So we let her go and prayed that God be merciful and not let her suffer.  We arrived at the hospital at 11 PM and she passed away at 4:40 AM  He answered our prayers.  But oh how I missed her. 

I know where the saying "crying a river of tears" comes from, because the tears come so easily.  I don't cry for her, I cry for me.

I miss my mother. 

That's all.