Sunday, January 04, 2015

Is it Christmas yet?

Is it Christmas yet?  Please let me know, because I am pretty sure I missed Thanksgiving and I really don't want to miss Christmas.   I want to enjoy getting down my Christmas ornaments and putting up the tree, remembering with fondness where and when I either purchased or received or made each special ornament as I hang it on the tree, or the other decorations which have been wrapped so carefully in tissue paper and bubble wrap for the past twelve month.  I want to enjoy the twinkle of lights, the beautiful Christmas music, see the "happy" shoppers out happily selecting each purchase with care.  I want to enjoy the church services, that are so special at this time of the year as they follow the story of the birth of our savior.  I want to enjoy a Christmas play and maybe a cantata or some other special Christmas programs.  So, please don't let me miss it, okay?
That is how I feel today.  Its January 3, my Christmas tree is still up, all the decorations are still sitting around my home, but somehow I feel like I've missed the whole season.   I know I have had Christmas celebrations with friends and family, I received beautiful thoughtful presents from friends and family.  I listened to Christmas music.    But yet, it still seems like I missed the entire holiday.

I haven't been to church in a really long time.

I lost my mom over a month ago, and I feel like I have been semi sleep walking through life since then.

I read devotion today.   ... Don't give God your leftovers .... give God your first fruits  of attention ... God needs to be your priority in everything you do  ... from getting dressed to setting your schedule ... intermingle your time with God, to such a degree that you can pray without ceasing ...even ordinary events will become sacred because He will be involved in them.   As I read this devotion, memories of my mother were brought to my mind ....  hearing her pray during the night when we were in bed going to sleep ...  hearing her praying as she lay in the hospital after she broke her hip ... waking up praying, in pain praying, in praise praying, in the nursing home when she was in such misery  ... praying.  She called me one time because she couldn't find something, I didn't hear the call, so she left a voice mail and she thought she had hung up, but she hadn't, and she started praying, as she was looking for the lost item, that God would lead her to it,  ...  I don't mean to put my mom up on a pedestal, but my mother was awesome.  She loved with God's love, she prayed without ceasing and she was a wonderful mother.  I want to be like her.

I lost her on November 17, 2014 at 4:40 AM.    I sat in the hospital room with her and held onto her as she breathed he last breaths, I didn't want to lose her, but I knew she was ready to go home with our Lord, I wasn't praying for God to save her, I was praying for God to be merciful and take her home.  She had 3 major brain bleeds, we were told she most likely would not survive a surgery and even if she did, she would be on life support and never get off of it.  We couldn't ask that she go through that.  So we let her go and prayed that God be merciful and not let her suffer.  We arrived at the hospital at 11 PM and she passed away at 4:40 AM  He answered our prayers.  But oh how I missed her. 

I know where the saying "crying a river of tears" comes from, because the tears come so easily.  I don't cry for her, I cry for me.

I miss my mother. 

That's all.

1 comment:

Laurie said...

I know how you feel. It was over so fast that I didn't feel like I got to do all of the traditions that we usually do. Left me feeling flat.